In The News

Michigan State Ranks Amongst the Top 25 Junior Colleges in the U.S.

The National Junior College Association has released its ranking of the top 25 Junior colleges in the U.S.  
Based off academic and athletic merits, the publication assessed institutions across the country.

Nestling in at No. 12, Michigan State University found its spot. 

“Between Michigan State’s admittance difficulty, quality of education, and athletics program, we found Michigan State to be a good fit amongst our top 25”, NJCA President stated. “Many expected a top 10 placement but we didn’t see it as a plausible fit.”

When asked for a comment, the Director of Admittance, Liz Goblue, stated “This ranking will definitely be a point of discussion. We hope to land within the top 5 next year.”

In The News, Sports

Champion Dog Jumper Loses Accolades Over Sexual Assault Allegations

On Tuesday, the Federal Dogjump Association, FDA, announced its all-time champion will be stripped of its championship titles. Guss, a 6 year-old Chocolate Labrador Retriever, will have to surrender his three championship trophies, gold plated water bowls, and coveted collars.

During the training months of 2018, Guss allegedly humped a competitor before the training session started.

“In a true showing of toxic masculinity, Guss mounted and humped Moose,” cited the accuser. “It’s a sad reality that is gripping the sport.

Guss didn’t take these accusations squatting. “Showing alpha is an instinctual practice that has been utilized for centuries. To lose my notoriety over this is heckin’ ridiculous. Moose is no stranger to humping in the locker room.”

In The News

Bill Cosby Hired as Craft-Bartender After Being Released from Jail

In a surprising move, the Pennsylvania State Supreme Court ruled to overturn Bill Cosby’s conviction. In an even more surprising move, upon his release Cosby was hired as a craft-bartender in the Greater Los Angeles area.

Ruf Lin, bar owner in West Hollywood, gave Bill Cosby’s career one last hope.

“I’m a long time fan.  I collect fuzzy sweaters, eat pudding two to three times a day and I also serve up the best drinks,” Lin said.  “If Bill can get his arthritis cleared up, he will be a great asset to my bar’s team.”

Cosby is set to start his first shift this Friday and will be introducing his unforgettable Cosby Colada.  Cosby instills craft, thought and decorative touches into his drinks that knock people’s socks off.   To preserve the integrity of his craft, Cosby is known to step behind a curtain to add his final, magical touches.

“Yes, I have heard he puts his secret powdered substance in drinks to ‘explore ones taste buds’ but I can’t remember if I’ve tried one or not.” Lin added. “Either way, I can’t wait to try it!”

Check in next week for the follow up story of Cosby’s unforgettable first night behind the bar serving drinks at The Knockout Bar.

If you’ve read this article up until this point thinking this is a real news piece, please get a grip on reality.

Entertainment

Kim Jong-un to Change Last Name to ‘Kardashian’

In an effort to increase his international fame, Kim Jong-un will be changing his last name to ‘Kardashian’.

Kardashian, the last name of a well-known U.S. socialite family, will officially be recognized as Jong-un’s new last name during a military ceremony in the capital, Pyongyang.

“This will be a monumental moment in my life as I take another step forward in my quest of international stardom,” Jong-un stated as he puckered his lips. “Being able to identify as Kim Kardashian only feels right.”

The ceremony will include a parade of plastic surgeons, paparazzi, and photoshop specialists.

Politics

Bill Clinton Matches With Monica Lewinsky On Tinder And It’s Blowing Everyone Away

Reports have surfaced that Bill Clinton may be rekindling an old fire with someone he matched with on the popular dating site, Tinder.  Last week, Bill Clinton’s fateful right-swipe landed him on a date with Monica Lewinsky – an infamous character of Clinton’s past. Continue reading “Bill Clinton Matches With Monica Lewinsky On Tinder And It’s Blowing Everyone Away” →

In The News

Cure Found For Trust Fund Babies Born With Small Penises

It’s a great day  if you’re a trust fund baby born with a small penis.  A groundbreaking cure is set to hit the market to treat Tragic Insufficient Penis Syndrome, commonly known as TIP Syndrome. TIP Syndrome effects 500,000 U.S. males of the nation’s top 1% wealthiest.    Continue reading “Cure Found For Trust Fund Babies Born With Small Penises” →

Local

Frat Boy Leaves Fraternity After Realizing They Aren’t His Actual Brothers

Sigma Alpha Epsilon, SAE, member Brady Gates was apart of the fraternity for two years before realizing they weren’t who they said they were.  After the fraternity at Oklahoma University held its family weekend, Gates made a realization that changed his life forever. Continue reading “Frat Boy Leaves Fraternity After Realizing They Aren’t His Actual Brothers” →